Cold hands, warm shart.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize