I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
