You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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