got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
