So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
