I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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