My hand turned me down
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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