At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
