Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
