There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
