Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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