I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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