I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
