bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
