Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize