i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
