We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize