New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
