and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
