3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
