When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
