I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
