Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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