allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
