There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
He uses pillows to masturbate.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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