does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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