Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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