I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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