all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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