she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
