In the future we'll all be gay
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
