i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
