Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
