guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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