I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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