Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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