Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
