I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
