She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
