pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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