I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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