I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
