I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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