In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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