I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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