I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
