What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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