the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
