guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
