New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
