her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
