i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
