He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
