Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
