I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
