I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
