ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
