I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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