There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
