So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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