He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
