Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Sorry my hands just texted you
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
