I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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